A Very Real Telling of My Heart Break · Uncategorized

1. The hardest choice is choosing yourself…

Day 2

I woke up and no one was in the house, all off to work or whatever normal people do on a good ol Tuesday. I got up and looked at my clock and to my surprise, it was actually after 10:30. Well, guess the late night of Ru Paul paid off because I actually slept. It’s those first few seconds of opening your eyes that are my favourite. I call it sleep amnesia. That first few seconds where you are processing where you are, who you are and you haven’t yet come to the realization that your life well… is your life. No concept of the days earlier events and then bam, it hits you. You remember everything. You remember that you are home in your moms guest bed bedroom alone because ladies and gents why are you there….. WELL ; you just broke up with your boyfriend ….who you still love and forever will love …..but you made the choice for your own happiness and well- being and you know it’s the right decision made for the most loving just right reasons and  basically with that run on sentence is what I’m trying to say…. is that…. reality sets in and it sucks.

So lets have a little morning cry and then in true millennial fashion, let’s distract our self with the vast world of social media. Scroll, like, like, like, scroll, oh that’s cute, save. And repeat… instagram, facebook, twitter etc.  Ok time to get up… but why… I could just stay in bed… that seems nice… yes but Meghan you also have been sick the last 2 weeks so essentially that’s all you’ve done now for half the month… Ok get up… but first one more facebook video and minor cyber stalk of the ex. Ew, I hate that word… ok sigh. This sucks. All I can really say. Like as I’ve reiterated yes this was my decision, yes it’s the right decision made for the right reasons, I have no confusion and all the closure in the world and does it still suck? , as Bob the Builder put it, YES IT DOES ( well he said yes we can but you get what I’m saying) Alright no seriously, wipe the tears and get up. Aw brother (20yrs) just brought me a smoothie, that kind of melts my heart. He feels for me. Without words, he tells me in his own lil way… he feels awkward and doesn’t know what to do to help, but he’s still there and it really means the world. Ok smoothie, that was delicious well the 3 sips I had because lets be serious, my stomach can barely process anything still. Didn’t eat a thing Sunday, some crackers yesterday, oh boy…

OK SERIOUSLY Let’s GET UP

BUZZ BUZZ, looks at phone. MOTHER FUCKER… guess who it is. “Hey hope you’re doing alright :(”

SERIOUSLY RIGHT NOW AGGGGGHHHHH

Well my darling dear I was actually right about to get up and do something today, perhaps edit a video and try and be productive like my dam audiobook told me to be….and then BAM instead I’m going to have a hyperventilating crying attack because your gorgeous face has to check up on me, remind me how much you care and love me and fling me right back down memory lane. Ok shit, Meghan we can’t keep doing this. No seriously girl, I cant even count the number of crying episodes you have had in the last 2 years, its nauseating.

TEXT : MOM HELP. Heart hurts. Sad. Very Sad. SOS

Debra Calls.

Now if I wasn’t already nauseated for myself for my crying episodes, there may be one other person who just can’t do it anymore… my mom.

God bless this woman. She is here at my beckon call every time I need a hug, a word of advice and basically just doing what mamas do. But she also knows me and she knows that if she lets me I will wallow like a pig in mud ( OMG I HAVE NEVER SOUNDED SO COUNTRY IN MY LIFE) But seriously, she was not going to let me have some pity party so she gave me some very simple tasks.

  1. Tell my friends whats happening and Reach Out – ok barely did that…literally haven’t told anyone and don’t plan on it. Hi I’m Meghan and I push people away and don’t want to ask for help, support or whatever you call it, because lets be real everyone has their own life and ill just a burden to them so rather not BUT I did make plans with one friend for next week so CHECKING off the list mmhmmm lol.
  2. Go on the elliptical for 20 mins. Totally forgot we had one but I did, continued to chat with my X for a tiny bit, small talk and then said ok enough, don’t want my space but need my space kinda thing. So shut that down. Put on some tunes and did some running for about 30 mins. Felt like going longer but my phone died which meant no music which meant nope, I was done.
  3. Skype my cousin. – Well, she can’t skype today but I did make plans for tomorrow and that’s really what matters ok. So check mama, check!
  4. Shower and put clothes on. I didn’t shower yesterday or change my clothes so this was my intent for today but especially after working out hell ya I was going to shower. It’s just a measly task but has so much meaning. Cleansing your body spiritually and physically, tending to your self-care, feeling better and renewed. Showers are where its at lol.

And here we are just haven gotten out of the shower. I went for bonus points and did my skin care routine, washed my hair and now sitting at this desk in a white robe typing away my woes. This whole idea started as I was in the shower. You know when your in the shower or lying in bed and you are just thinking. Planning out conversations, wishing you said this instead of this etc etc Well the topic of my shower mind set today was that yesterday I was trying to be a generic girl and go through breakup stages. Besides replacing the standard Gilmore Girls with watching like 8 episodes of Law and Order SVU… nothing like murder and rape to really lift your spirits …sigh im an interesting human. Anyway….I was, however; looking at videos and articles on break ups and motivational quotes and hell even audio books…. and they all seemed just so bullshit! Like “eat junk food and binge tv, accept yourself, go outside, get fresh air, talk to everyone you know…” And yes they are good suggestions but holy hell I feel like you go through 500 million waves of emotions and successes and failures in one day also not down for eating a full tub of ice cream, what the hell is that going to do….so don’t tell me that Day 1 should be spent, like ALL OF DAY 1 just spent writing a list of good  and negative aspects of your relationship. That’s maybe hour 1 , what about the other 18 hours of this day ill probably be awake and can’t get my head to shut up or my heart to chill the F out…. So here are just a couple things I can suggest to you. Sorry, I’m no expert but here are what my first 48 ish hours have looked like.

  1. Go home. They say home is where the heart is, so just go get with one person who will be there for you. My family always has me so I literally went home. And tbh I was so paralyzed in tears in hyperventilating upsetness that my parents came and got me all the way in the city. Of course, they did, they understand, they love me.
  2. Don’t feel pressured to talk or say anything. Take your time. Chances are your probably hella confused or feel out of control…or if you’re like me your not confused at all. You have no regrets, you know this is the best thing. It’s going to be painful as hell but it is the right decision. But if you are confused and feel out of control, don’t feel like you need to spill your guts just take some time to think, write down questions or thoughts, think about things and just take your time. In my case I had all the closure I could ever ask for and I am eternally grateful for that. It was just really hard to say and come to terms with the things I already knew and that my mom already knew as well. The first night I didn’t say much, and as the days have gone on I’ve spoken more and more. But my point in all this is that there is no 5 step process, just take your time, do what feels right for you and that’s all I can ask.
  3. GET COMFY I am totally someone that when shit gets bad I like to wallow. If my mom let me I would have slept on the floor. I would have felt shitty so I would have let everything around me feel shitty too. Wow, so un healthy but hey this post is supposed, to be honest, so sue me. Anyway, my mom made up the bed for me all nice, got the crystal lamps out, more crystal energy, the cozy blanket and even slept in the bed with me. I slept so well believe it or not. But the point is, get your blanket, make your bed extra cozy, more blankets, more pillows, fuzzy slippers, and just feel love around you.
  4. TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOU WERE YOUR OWN CHILD – The ONE quote I read yesterday that actually resonated with me. I thought it was beautiful but also so brilliant. Sleep, eat healthy, work out, just show your self love. I think the hardest part of this whole process for me will be falling in love with myself again and being happy being independent. Scary even writing it.  But I know I have not been kind to myself in sooooo long I can barely remember the time when I was but Just like all those years where I couldn’t even imagine being with someone let alone interested in them lol… how things change. But Ill get there… slowly but surely and I think that’s the one part that is kind of exciting to me in all this turmoil is knowing I’m going to grow so much and become so much stronger and just better and that’s a really great feeling. Which brings me to my next point…
  5. STAY PRODUCTIVE – Look at this like you’ve been given an opportunity Because you really have. This is a chance for you to re-invent yourself, instead of trying to fix and better someones else’s life you can do it for yourself ! Make lists, Pinterest, just get yourself inspired. There are always things you wish you did so now is your chance to do them… a gym, a class, whatever the hell its is. Honestly this is only Day 2 (sorta day 4) but Day 2 officially so I can’t say I have followed through with all this and I’m such an example… lol… nope but I am looking at room decor projects, making shopping list for Home Sense, and just thinking of all the ways I can better myself and my life. Just keep trying to be productive. I did some emails and invoices yesterday so that’s another bonus. Even if it’s just a little bit at a time, a little is better than nothing.

So those are my 5 very basic tips for the first while. Can’t lie it’s felt very cleansing and good to get my thoughts down on paper. I really hope you enjoyed this article and it resonated with you in some way. I’d love to come back and keep journaling my process and if you would like to hear more let me know in the comments below.

But I’ll leave you with this and this is a quote from another video I did similar to this article… but…

THE ROAD TO RECOVERY IS X LONG, Do you want to prolong your suffering and just wallow and take forever to get to the finish line or would you rather step up to the plate, find the love for yourself to push through and just put in the work and get to the end?

I’d rather get to the end and be done with this heart ache and for the record, I’m not trying to ooze this obnoxious positivity all up in here…. let’s be real, I’ll probs cry like 5 more times today… and guess what that’s OKAY!

I’m not going to hide my emotions in a closet hoping I can forget everything, numb my self and be that distant “better me” we all fantasize about. No I know it’s going to take work, and heart aches, progress, regress and ups and downs and guess what…. THAT’S OKAY TOO.

We’re all just trying to survive this fucked up thing we call life and we’re going to do it, so let’s do it together.

Thanks for listening,

Meghan Victoria

 

 

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