These are the nights no one tells you about, no one writes about and basically the ones that get swept under the rug. Everyone is all like ” I felt a little bit better each and every day” BULLSHIT. It’s Day 5, I’m freaking here and thats the truth. I really have been finding peace in writing so here I am trying to calm my ever raging anxiety by typing away and just trying to make sense of it all. So its now 7:30 I just got home from a bridal trial. Went really well but now I’m hungry, tired and stupidly emotional. Like fighting tears back in the Uber emotional.
Honestly, the last couple days I’ve been really proud of myself. Doing well, great clients, chatting with family, smiling, eating, laughing and straight up planning my dream life. Getting HELLA organized, getting lots of emails and invoices done and doing what I do best…. being a workaholic to distract from pain. BUT ALSO, retail therapy. Lots of Pinterest, room decor idea , craft projects and just lots of creative outlets for me, PS PS Michael’s has lil succulents 80% off… I bought like 15. Basically your girl left her wallet open and forgot to close it. But honestly I’ve been very productive… Hell, I even went to my medium and did an aura reading and picked up new Tarot cards. Like I get a Gold Star for Self Help lol.
But heres the catch. Ive been home, like my parents kind of home. Not back in the city where the only thing on my brain is that you know who I just a 15 minute walk down the street…. FUCCKKKKK
I was lucky enough to get a drive back and literally as soon we exited the Gardner it was like “Shit, I’m back…” When I’m at my parents house it feels sort of like a vacation. Like I could be half way around the world. But as soon as I enter the city its like there is some dam magnetic pull that I have to fight and be like No! Meghan you did the whole going back thing already, it was wonderful for a while but you got the closure you need, now its time to be strong and move on…
So yeah, I got home, dropped my stuff off and headed downtown for work. I SWEAR TO YOU every single person in my dam Uber pool lived at an exact spot that would totally trigger me and bring me down memory lane. Not even getting into specifics but like Shit, I’ve vandalized my own city with my couple graffiti. (So to speak…. idek )
So yeah, went to work. Went great. Bride was super happy, loved the look and all is well.
Get back in Uber to come home…. Ps his address is the recommended address from Uber… REALLYYYYY…. Well of course really because I spent like 50% of my life at his house and the other 50% at work… Que tears. I really haven’t been crying this week… I just haven’t. Ive been excited about planning future things and working on myself and just kinda… excited…
But god dam, tonight has not been fun. I basically sat squished in my Uber pool with 3 other dudes… huddled up in the middle seat just fighting back the tears… hitting too close to home… literally.
So yes, here we are home. I just opened some PR packages and fun makeup surprises should boost my spirits but like I said I FEEL SHITTY. Not going to pretend its all wonderful. It’s killing me that I know exactly what he’s doing and I want to be over there ordering in food, cuddled in the blankets and watching a movie…. But alas we are here trying to put letters down on the page instead of tears. No motivation to move or do anything …. But I seriously really need to eat or call a friend… but most likely won’t do either. Taurus for the win…. nope.
But yeah lets end with a positive note. I have been doing quiteeee the damage in the retail therapy world but I’ve also like a said been designing my dream life. Yay, giving myself more work. But its okay. Tonight will be shitty. I will spend a majority crying and being sad and then I will take minute to appreciate the memories and lessons I learned and pick myself up again. Because guess what… NO ONE ELSE WILL. So shit, I will go get a burrito bowl and enjoy the fact I don’t have to get the tomatoes on the side anymore, I will eat, put some music on, have shower, put my new PJ set on (BECAUSE RETAIL THERAPY IS LIFE) and then I will find the motivation to clean my room and I’ll turn this night around.
Ok my stomach is causing an earth quake its growling so much. I’m out ❤
UPDATE: I went and got my burrito bowl… delish. But I forgot to ask for a fork. So got home and spent like 10 mins trying to find a fork (renovations/ everything in boxes) well. Found a tablespoon. This is how I shall eat. Win….