I just started this blog to basically vent out my feelings and who ever stumbled across it then guess they would know whats up too. lol. But the amount of messages I’ve had in the last couple days of people thanking me for sharing my pain so they can heal theirs… is truly overwhelmingly incredible.
So here we are children, entry 4… Guys I wrote 5 days ago… Do you know how much can happen in five days…. Oh boy. Well let’s begin.
We last left off on my horrid Friday night downward spiral of tearful uber rides and then pushing through that to some self care, showering and a peaceful Netflix night.
Well done Meghan. I need to congratulate myself before I hate on my self in the coming paragraph.
So Friday we turned our rough night around, cuddled up and watched some Bachelor…just one episode as I was trying to be responsible and I really wanted to film the next morning. But alas, I hear from my good friend that night who also is going through some break up trauma… but doing well. Anyway he and I text all night and I’m feeling some good clarity tbh. He keeps saying I sound like a monk for how wise and together I am etc. I love our conversations because they are always on a deep intellectual level and to be honest, I live for it. So anyway we have a nice conversation, I’m feeling quite a bit better and I’m good, I got this…
So skip to Saturday. Wake up, sit down film a video. I filmed a whole Apartment Room Decor Haul because as you guys know, RETAIL THERAPY! Can I hear it in the back? Lol
So film that video, feel good. Edit, upload and then decide its noon I should get out of the house, quick walk get some breakfast… that sorta thing.
I went and picked up 2 scones from the little bakery down the street and my current favourite vanilla coffee from the other one of the 10 bakeries on my street…. god bless city living.
So head home, trying to keep it low key. Check my video, click publish on youtube and continue my Bachelorette marathon.
Oh look, Ex’s sister who is the sweetest, most wonderful girl Dm’s me on Instagram commenting on how she loves that bakery and its her favourite etc… Chat with her for a little. I don’t say anything as my assumption is she doesn’t know anything about my relationship situation or lack of and I don’t think its my place to say so I just continue on as normal till the conversation dies down.
OK HERES WHERE THINGS GET MESSY….
So just chillen, watching Bachelorette and long ass story short, X messages me, I think I’m all strong independent women who don’t need no man and can handle my shit…. and be all casual and chillen…..WRONG… Please keep in mind, its only been a week…. like just a weekkkkkk!
So again Long long story short, he comes over, wants to give me some stuff back and you know…. “not talk” …. for old times sake… that’s all fine and well but just as things are wrapping up lil Miss Meghan is just way too overwhelmed with emotion and breaks the F down. Then he breaks down and we together are just a lovely emotional mess. My god.
So I’ve already done the worst thing possible that you can do in these situations, BUT hey thats life so guess we shall just roll with it…
We do some tarrot cards, as thats my thing, and something I’ve shared with him over the years.
We both are getting cards like “Out with the Old, In With the New”, “New Beginnings” etc etc
LIKE YES UNIVERSE I GET ITTTTTTTT
So anyway, chatting, tarot cards, mostly consoling and being sad together….
PS. Breaking up with someone you love and they love you…. REALLY FUCKING HARD
Anyway, he wraps it up, wants to give me my space and after a dragged out, long ass, painful good bye he walks out the door…
Now with all the signs in the universe the normal thing to do would be let him walk away and then go cry or some shit…. BUT NO!!!!
Meghan, always has to be causing trouble….
And as he walks across the street, I call him back ask him to grab dinner….
Hi, Im an idiot.
Can’t lie, I enjoyed every second. It was kinda like the first goodbye was the bye of pain and such, and then calling him back was just like fun times going to dinner.
BUT that’s the problem. In my head I was so like “Ohmygod, we can be friends, yeah totally” but there was nothing friendly about this outing… it was legit like we were back together… And that kinda freaked me out.
The conversation was easy, there was laughs, the same type of flirty sassiness that I love and all that good stuff.
Like I said… it was like we were back together….
Back together on a good day….
See thats the problem. When we love someone or don’t want to let go of someone or a relationship we look at the fantasy of what that relationship could be, or what we wish it was. We don’t remember the sad times, or the hurt, or the pain…. or just in general we have blinders on and we dont see it for what it was. The non fabrication, un biased truth.
Everyone has good days and Bad days but we need to remember both and really look at all sides without just hanging on to the fantasy.
And thats what I realized in that moment. Your little unconscious being is all like “well, we could try again” “I mean the bad wasn’t that bad” “We can survive” ETC
But really do you want to survive your relationship? OR Do you want to THRIVE!
Another thing I learned from watching the Bachelorette this week is she kept saying
“You have to say the hard goodbyes to make it to the right Hello”
That saying is really ringing true to me. As much as this is KILLING me and I have so much love for this beautiful human being the reality is the relationship isn’t fundamentally stable, I will not be happy long term, I need more for myself and a love that I deserve, and even though it is empowering…..it really sucks coming to this conclusion.
Now please keep in mind that I can now sound like a sensible young woman 5 days later but I will let you know the truth….. Saturday night, bawled my eyes out… was up till 4 screaming, crying, hyperventilating.
Sunday I did a wedding all day for 8 hours, puffy eyes and was so dead exhausted….
But honestly, waking up at 5 am and going to do something I absolutely love and sets my soul on fire sucks those tears up and puts a spring in my step!
(EVERYONE LOOKED BEYOND AMAZING BTW)
PAUSE: PSA Emotions are a zillion times stronger and harder when you are tired, take a freaking nap before you destroy your self. Ok RESUME
So after this wedding ; where I saw the most loving warm people and families, so much happiness and joy and just everything amazing… I came home, started reminiscing, reality snuck back in and I had the most intense crying attack.
So intense, I have always felt things extremely intensely but this was a pretty new level of pain.
I literally passed out on the floor from hyperventilating and screaming and crying.
So much pain running through my body.
But after my mom picked me up off the floor (literally) and brought me back to her house, a good couple days or reflection, ups and downs and one too many breakup articles I realize that unfortunately I wasn’t grieving the relationship lost, I was grieving the fantasy.
How I wish everything could be, if only this were different, if only I could change this….
If only… If only….
And that’s one painful realization.
So where are we now…?
Well I’m back at my parents out of the city, taking it day by day. I still work a ton so that has been a great distraction. But I have ups and downs throughout the days every couple of hours or so…. lol….But I’m here in my parents cozy guest bed, feeling support, working away at my dreams and my goals and honestly, just trying my best to get by. My apartment will be back to normal at the end of this week and then I am so excited to get in there, decorate and continue to share this beautifully tragic journey with all of you.
I just hope one day my future self will look back at me and this hard time and she will smile and say, I’m so proud of you, Thank you. ❤
Thank you for all your love and messages and I will chat with you all very soon ❤