A few nights ago I was sitting in a bubble bath, face mask and all listening to a self help audio book…. Could. I. Get. Anymore. Hasthtag. #SingleLife….
Alright friends, its been a while. Over a week. I really wanted to write more consistently but sometimes this therapeutic facing of emotions can be an overwhelming, anxiety provoking process. But alas, I know in 30 mins to an hour when I finish writing here I will again feel so much better.
So where to begin, well lets recap. My last post was basically “omg today didnt suck” yes that was the best title I could come up with. lol. But yeah it was a good day, minor tears here and there but a good day all together. So that was Saturday.
Sunday was good too actually. I had a bridal trial in the morning which I always enjoy. And then I rushed back to my home train station to meet my parents. We went to meet up with their friends, (lovely people we met on vacation last year) down to Niagara for a winery wine tasting tour and experience.
It was lovely, something about being outside, the sun shining and just being surrounded by fun loving, happy people who get the most out of life. I’ve really been noticing lately that really all my parents and their friends do is try and make everyday a little special in whatever way it is. My mom has become known as Ms. Sparkle by well over a 100 people. She has the philosophy of bringing sparkle into your day and trust me she could open up a merch shop with all the little cups and trinkets and random sparkle paraphernalia her adoring fans have gotten her. But point is, every time I am with them it is just smiles, laughs, absolute silliness and just so much love. So anyway we enjoy being outside, I get a good instagram shot (priorities lol) and we head back to their friends house and guess what guys, THEY HAVE A POOL. I am such a water baby and I just love being by or in the water so I’m happy. I was splishing and splashing around using all the floaty toys, the goggles, just having the best time and then I stopped and looked up at the sky in the wonderment of the universe and thought…
“Oh look at me. I am having so much fun, and I am having all this fun all by myself and when was the last time I could really say that…”
It really does give you a moment of hope.
So the night continued, lots of great conversation, so MUCH food, so many drinks, a sparkly bonfire and seriously I was just treated like a princess. Such a foreign concept for me but after so much mental, emotional, and psychical exhaustion it felt really nice to be cared for….
So yes amazing night, headed back to parents house, got all sad and depressed in the car ride home because…. I think it is almost like a guilt when you feel happy and joyful without that person… its a weird realization.
Anyway fast forward, went to work the next day, super long day but always fun with this crew then headed back to the city with my mom and her cousin for a HARD CORE CLEANING PARTY! lol
The monday night we assembled some new IKEA goodies…
(did someone say beauty room tour video coming soon 😉 )
And drank some wine. I was defs was feeling it in some kind of way because I ended up in a lil convo with X that tbh I don’t even remember what it was about but it did result in me crying my self to sleep… Hi, I’m a lightweight. Also biggest thing I have learned from this all is get sleep, I am the absolute worst version of my self when I am tired. So over emotional and just yeah, get sleep.
Anyway…. Woke up, felt fresher after some rest and then it was GAME TIME!
We spent all of Tuesday cleaning and de cluttering this apartment ! Like guys, renovations are done, the apartment is beautiful, so clean and organized and I am 100% the type of person who’s environment affects their mind set. If my place is a mess I can not begin to focus or feel ok.
So yes apartment is beautiful and wonderful and we got so much done. So excited and has made me feel about 1000% better.
So this has been a lot of positivity but I’ve told you this is called ” The Very Real Telling of My Heart Break”
So where does this fabulous little story get messy? DUN DUN DUHHHH
Alright friends so X has had these chairs in storage for me for a little while and we’ve both been using that card kinda as a talking point for communication purposes. Anyway he came to bring them over. At the time of his arrival I was doing a roommate viewing so my mom answered the door. Like I said, there is no hate or anything so it was lovely that they could see each other, not awkward and was just nice. I finished up my viewing and was actually ok seeing him. We all sat and chatted for a lil bit then my mom and her cousin took off and it was just us. P.S The chairs are perfect. No I’m not trying to change the topic lol, but yea we hung out, pretty normally I must say. He left not long after. There are still so many feelings of love and bond between us that it is of course so hard to say goodbye but this time it didn’t feel like it was the “last” time which I can’t lie…. it felt comforting.
So I actually slept pretty well that night, got up super early for my client and then after that great appointment was through, climbed back into bed before filming.
Now I know myself, sometimes too well… But for me whenever I have a high, I know a big crashing low is coming my way.
So I did get to do my youtube stuff that day which was excellent and I feel so good filming and connecting with you all so thats amazing.
But after my filming GUYS I CRASHED! Que the anxiety, the tears, the hyperventilation… WHY MUST THIS CONTINUE!
I really need to work on my self help because I basically rely on my mother to help me though…. well…. everything…
So I call her like I usually do… 5 times a day lol.
And she talks me through my breathing, do some reality checking and calms me down.
Now in single life fashion what did I do… I joined a class…
Classes, audiobooks, pampering…. Did cosmo magazine right my life lately?
So I joined a Tarot reading class. For those who do not know I am insanely spiritual. Been super involved in this world since about 10 years old and all that good stuff. I love doing card readings and I mostly do them intuitively but I really wanted to learn the history and the more factual information.
So I washed my face of all my racoon teary eyes, got my notebook and pen and got myself to my first class. It felt really great to sit in a class and learn, take notes, ask questions and stimulate my brain intellectually. I love learning so I was really happy to be there.
The only shitty part of being there was it was in X’s neighbourhood. Also the fact he introduced me to the shop where I was going. Trust, it stung passing the bus stop I was so familiar with …. but alas we drove past and I got home.
Thursday wasn’t too exciting. I filmed, went downtown, did a bunch of errands, went to work and then came home.
Friday same, I edited, did emails and invoicing, I curled my new extensions, watched Bachelor in Paradise, had another room viewing and yeah pretty chill.
But for some reason I guess I was feeling bold because I called my good guy friend and asked if he wanted to come and make dinner. ( remember the one who I was texting because he’s going thorough a break up too)
GUYS WE MADE A FREAKING FEAST!
PS. This is the night where I was bubble bathing and audiobooking lol.
But after my little pamper session I went to the grocery store, picked up what we needed and then he came over for our vegan feast lol (he’s vegan, not me)
We made a pesto bowtie pasta with tomato, zucchini, peppers, onion, garlic. A beautiful salad with all different veggies and seeds and homemade dressing. Then for dessert we had a vegan cheesecake and vegan ice-cream and I made a peach reduction to go with that.
OMG just talking about it now is making me so hungry!
So anyway we had such a lovely visit, sharing stories, talking through our feelings and just sharing in a lovely evening together.
Ok so what have we said before… basically Murphy’s law.
So we say goodbye and obviously I’ve just had a giant therapy session so basically I need to cry…. And again I’m crying over the reality check… crying over the truth.. and its painful but like they say… the truth will set you free.
So I head to my room to cuddle up and feel blue and look who I hear from…
ITS LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS
Well, Im sad so when I’m sad Im naturally very short answered… So X picks up on this (hell, he better its only been 2 years lmao) and asks whats wrong, I’m basically like how can you even ask that… look where we are …. boys are dumb….etc.
WELL ladies and gents, chat goes silent…. 15 mins later …. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
So yes for the second time this week he is here. You know that feeling when you loose your parents when you were little in the grocery store… then you turn the corner and there they are….YUP
So i just fall into his arms bawling my eyes out. I’m tired, filled with emotion and at the same time I’m just like FUCK. WHY ARE YOU HERE!
Like you cant do this to me… Well he insists on tucking me in (which is like my favourite thing ever) god dammit…. but he does, innocently enough, puts on my favourite meditation bed time music and leaves me to rest.
The next morning, Saturday now I wake up, head to my wedding, do that whole thing and then it is time for the event of the century… My Parents 25th Anniversary Party!
Trust me when I say, that this bunch of 50 year olds where going to have the most ratchet raging house party I’ve ever seen LMAO…. trust me they did lol.
So anyway, X was invited and he decided he wanted to go. He asked me my thoughts on it and although I was pretty terrified of the idea I agreed he could come. My thinking was that fine this may set me back a couple days or whatever but in a year from now I’ll be glad we had the memory and all that good stuff. Lots of you probably think I’m crazy but I just wanted to keep the peace and because I know him and what he’s like I wanted him to know and realize that he is still cared for as himself regardless of his attachment to me or just cuz he’s my “boyfriend” sorta thing… But because of who is on the inside etc.
YOU GET THE POINT…. I’m rambling lol.
Anyway so he asked if I needed a ride. Considering I had my kit, my outfits, my everything and had an appointment before the party I agreed because this also made it super easy on me… So I thought.
So I had explained the night before he innocently tucked me in etc well obviously having such a small, loving encounter can stir up feelings. So the while I was at the wedding I was reflecting and basically trying to shut up the ever growing voice that was like “come on, just give him one more chance” “no shush” “please do it, why not?” “because I know its for the best in the long run even if its hard now” “yeah but its so painful now, you could just give in….”
So this was basically the conversation I was having with my self as the day went on until I got this text.
“Hey, really behind. Going to be late”
I think my head was going to explode. I’m his biggest fan all the time but its like so many little failures it drives me insane. I have a script or a plan and when it doesn’t get followed like the way in my head I am just shook lol. (minor control freak) It was like I read this and was transported into every other time something similar happened or any minor tiff or what have you.
I’m not saying I’m crazy and because he was late I was going to go run him over… lol
But it spoke to his pattern of behaviour that I was oh too familiar with.
I am very practical when it comes to relationships. Besides the fun part I value reliability, being responsible for your self and others, maturity and just a bunch of stuff like that, and straight up, I am so not patient lol.
So a full hour later of me waiting later we got in the car. I was like dammit, I’m irritated, annoyed and just rolling my eyes at the same old same old.
Same old conversation topics I don’t care about, same old swearing, and same old lateness.
Now I’m not trying to be brutal or mean, there is lots I love about him and great qualities he has but I am trying to be truthful so lets continue shall we.
So we drive, I basically pass out and I’ve already moved my clients time so thats taken care of but I also get super pissed if people are messing with or not respecting my business and work so I’m not happy and I am thankful she was so relaxed and accommodating.
So we arrive at my house, I run in the door, see a giant speaker system and light show set up in a rather small front hall… Dear lord. This is what happens when your Dad was a Dj in his 20’s and 30’s.
I want to put the car ride behind me and just have a great night.
I had a hot tub to calm my brain and ever steadying heart rate and that helped a lot.
I set up my makeup in my little area, had my client, she looked great, then proceeded to get my mom fully glammed and lastly myself. That was a full day of glam for so many people aha.
I loved my outfit, my hair and my makeup. Rocked my extensions for the first time and I was just really excited!
The night was amazing! Truly was! I saw so many of my parents friends who I had known throughout my childhood, their work friends and lots of my home town friends and I just felt amazing being surrounded by almost 60 people who I had some type of relationship with. It makes you feel very connected when you’ve been feeling so alone. Was great to rekindle relationships and just be in an amazing atmosphere.
So much food, booze, crazy dancing, laughs and good times but I barely saw X.
And that kind of brings me to the point in the post where I give my lesson or teaching I learned….
As you can see I had a great fun filled, busy, activity filled week with wonderful people I cherish in my life and not at one point did I go “Oh I wish X were here” Because if I’m being honest, I didn’t. I love him so much as a person and he has so many wonderful qualities but this week really reminded me of how truly different we are.
He doesn’t appreciate the same things I do or in the way I do. We are super different, not better nor worse but different. We have just gotten to a place in our growth where our differences don’t really compliment each other anymore… they just contrast.
I want someone who can enjoy things with me. And as I have said before, I know what my parents have, everyone wants what my parents have ( it was literally a convo at the party aha) so if I cant have that then I shall wait till the day I do.
It’s still going to be tough to work through, not denying that but its just another truth we have to learn and face for us to heal.
Thanks for joining me on this crazy long post, hope you find comfort in my posts and with that I’ll leave with a quote my mom sent me this morning….
“What if everything you’re going through right now is preparing you for a dream bigger then you can imagine”