I was about to start writing an hour ago. I was all sad, and having a down day.
Lots of up days, don’t get me wrong but just a freaking tough night tonight has been.
But before we use up the whole tissue box lets put this in perspective.
Today was a long ass day. A great day but LONG!
Therefore Meghan is tired and as I’ve said before when Meghan is tired she is at her worst.
So yes, Meghan is tired and sad and is getting her period in less then a week so she is also super emotional… GO HORMONES lol.
But as I was saying this post was intended to be a bit more dreary. However; my night got turned around and now even though I want to be all somber and sad, and write depressing things lol, I’ve already done my self talk, worked through my emotions and pulled my self back up. Now, I feel pretty good.
Now as much as I would love to believe I have a magical ability of turning sad Meghan happy again in in instant that just isn’t the case. I am very affected by my in the moment thought or feeling. So really I just need one good thing to happen to bounce me back to happiness.
You know, scientifically speaking here, your brain wants you to be happy, it wants you to live in a beautiful la la land and that is why we are so quick to forget all the “bad” and just remember the good stuff. AKA why I remember like nothing from my childhood. lol…. not funny at all…. but like hey, now its not so bad. annnnyyway.
So my brain loves for me to be happy, so whenever I am down or sad or even mad at someone (literally anyone), I just need them to do one good thing and then I’m all like ” Oh wow, they are wonderful, such great intention, such a good person” etc etc. But like being positive is great but we don’t want be naive….. I need to remind myself of all the not so great things or memories etc.
Guys, I’m going to write that “list” I promise. Its taken a long time but I will do it… soon.
I struggled with the idea of writing the list (for those who don’t know I’m talking about all the “bad” qualities (in your perspective) about that person and bad memories) so you can put things into perspective and give yourself a reality check.
Because lets face it, as I’ve said before we are grieving something that didn’t even exist!!!
Its crazy to think, but its true. The idea, the belief, the wish is a beautiful idea, but its not the facts.
Now with that said, even if your like me and it all makes sense on paper, you’ve got all your questions answered, you feel like your head is secured on your shoulders, you can still be sad. And that is ok. We’re going to acknowledge the feeling and then we are going to let it go, and continue living life.
I have to be honest. I have gotten so much done this month! So many DIY projects, so many videos, and job opportunities, so many more bubble baths, and meditations and learning new things, taking classes, taking risks, and cleaning parties, and dance parties and hell even going on a reality tv show, BUT GUESS WHAT, tonight I still cried. And I cried ….. a lot.
It’s almost sad in itself realizing that you ARE okay.
And that you are going to be more OK and more OK as the days and weeks go on.
And to realize you actually like yourself better now then you did before.
Even though you knew in theory before, but to NOW believe and realize that you are more then enough. You see yourself as this tragically beautiful being growing, learning and moving mountains all on your own.
The loneliness feels less lonely when you start to actually enjoy your own company.
And when you can feel at peace just cuddled in your bed with a tea and settling from a long day.
So what actually happened today that led me from tears, to this sappy I love myself mantra !?
Well to be honest, as most things in life… a simple gesture.
I came home today just overwhelmed with those “I miss you feelings”. I started making light conversation with my roommate and soon enough we were in the this whole blown X conversation. I just sat in my kitchen unloading all the feels on my new roommate (she’s lived here less then a week guys lol) . If you know me, you know that I don’t really talk about my issues with actual people (probably the reason like none of my friends have reached out to me…. side eye) just the internet 😉 ….ANYWAY, for some reason my roommate just has this very comforting non judgemental energy and our conversation just got pretty deep pretty quickly. I really don’t like to be the girl crying about her breakup so I try and keep my conversation very psychological and talk about things in a pretty non emotional, observant way. This also helps me work through some of my issues and have a better perspective on things.
So anyway we finish chatting and I have enough insight and thoughts brewing that I thought I would come write. Well I sit down, do a little editing and now it’s been like 30 mins and as I open up my blog, ready to unleash my roommate comes in and asks me if I would like to join her and her friend for dinner?
Well, being the sap I am, I sucked back my tears of “Oh My Goodness, you want to include me? Me? MY HEART IS TOUCHED” and went and joined.
She made delicious roasted vegetables, a spinach salad and a homemade avocado dressing sauce. SO GOOD.
But as I sat there, pouring the wine engaging in a lovely meal and conversation with my new roommate and her friend I kind of thought, this is what life really is about.
Human interaction, learning about people, meeting new people, and just being kind and generous.
I felt like one of those Buzz feed videos where it shows the recently single person out at a bar, they meet “new people” as thats the hot topic of the world lol, and they are laughing and drinking and having a great time all on their own.
So cliche but I could see our dinner as part of a movie scene.
But yes, it was just a lovely gesture and I felt so blessed to have someone, also practically a stranger reach out their hand to lil old me. Also as we have heard before you really never know what a simple act of kindness can mean to someone, its a beautiful thing how our small actions can affect someone so strongly.
We really are all the Hero’s of our own story.
I know I will still have off nights from time to time, and I know there will also be moments where my tummy will hurt so much from laughing. There will be ups and downs, and all of the in between and honestly I think we are all just so lucky to experience all of it in this….
say it with me now….
FUCKED UP THING WE CALL LIFE!
Until next time friends,