A Very Real Telling of My Heart Break

8. This Isnt Cosmo …

So it has been over a Month.

I would love to tell you that everything is great and wonderful and that 21 days can totally change a thought pattern and habit but hey, this is called ” The Very Real Telling of My Heartbreak” …. not the Disney version where she cries for the night and then she good.

So yes, welcome to over a month later…

So what can happen in a month

Here is the truth in what I can say.

First off, I’m still freaking sad. Of course, I am, deep feelings take time.

But I have also done a lot for myself too and most of the time don’t just sit around feeling sorry for myself, although there are moments. I talked about this in the last post but you know, I’m cooking more, taking classes, going to do the most stereotypical broke hearted human thing…. and join a gym lol. This new one opened on my street and can’t lie, looks sick. But yeah lots of positives.

Most of the time I’m good. Doing the right things, working like a ton so hello distraction but that’s the word I want to focus on.

DISTRACTION

I basically am fine when I am bombarding myself with tasks, things to do, goals to accomplish etc etc. I don’t really think of anything else when I am super productive. And productivity has been my greatest distraction.

Now the issue comes when I run out of things to do…

So now I ask myself am I actually being healthy when overwhelming myself with productivity? Just because my vice is thought to be a positive one, it’s still a vice… right?

Tbh I’m not sure. I just know that when I finish uploading that video that took 4 hours of editing, or sending all my invoices, or responding to all my emails, those 5 seconds of “Ok now whats”…. have all the feels come pouring out stabbing my heart.

Then the tears, then the panic attacks and then the downhill spiral of self-destruction and doom. LOL ok, that description was for the dramatics but you get what I am saying.

In one months time, I can basically say, my days are good and my nights …. well are still spent majority crying myself to sleep and talking my moms ear off … So basically…..I’m happy until I’m not.

And when I’m not and feel weak and tired I make not the besttttt decisions…

As you can see it has been a good couple days past the months anniversary and like 10 days since my last post.

Honestly, I’ve kind of been putting off writing because quite frankly I didn’t really want to update you guys on whats been happening. Im not the proudest …

But you know what, I did not set out to write “Meghans Easy 5 Step Perfect Guide to Getting Over a Break Up” …

NO, I  wanted to share the very REAL shit that goes on in my mind, and in my life.

So with that said,

I am pretty sure I have broken like all the rules Cosmo has for getting over an EX….

  1. Cut off communication… NOPE
  2. Don’t see them … OOPS.
  3. Don’t rehash the past and keep talking about it … Yeah did that one too
  4. Don’t call them in a crisis … Defs done that
  5. Don’t call them for a favour……. la la la
  6. Stop trying to change them and teach …. (looks the other way…)
  7. And above all, Don’t sleep with them…. Well shit

SOOOOO….

As you can see I suck, and I even broke my “once a week” small visit rule due to a very emotionally traumatic night…. but as much as I would love to tell you I feel like shit about myself, I am full of regrets and I’m horrible and blah blah blah, guess what….

I DONT REALLY GIVE A SHIT

I apologize for the aggressive tone in this post but we’re here to be real, this ain’t Cosmo.

We as human beings are conditioned to ignore our feelings, wants and desires for what is deemed appropriate and acceptable.

I feel like there will be many people who disagree with me and I’m not saying to let yourself purposefully go develop unhealthy habits BUT…. Sometimes you slip, you just do what you gotta do and know itèll be okay!

It’s how we learn through our experiences and our decisions.

In a year none of this will matter so let’s stop worrying.

The last thing we need to do is to beat ourselves up about any of it.

Just feel the feels, do what you need to do. Remain respectful, honest, and keep your integrity in check and you will have nothing to feel bad about.

We all make mistakes, its how we learn and every time I have made a “mistake” this month I have learned a new lesson, more insight and gained more confidence in my decisions and myself.

So if you have ever slipped up and felt horrible about it or yourself, girl (or boy), just let it go.

Sure, it can’t continue forever and the time will come where you have to really make the tough decisions for your own mental health but I also am of the mind set that everything happens for a reason and things organically change, including us.

So you don’t need to force anything, just listen to your intuition, listen to your heart, remain vigilant but dude, just chill.

We all have moments of weakness. You don’t have to be strong all the time.

There was a time this month when it was 4 am, and I got home from a night out and I was sooooo intensely breaking down. The pain was just indescribable, I got close to fainting again and just that fear drives even more anxiety. Not fun. I just didn’t want to suffer anymore that night. So I picked up the phone and called X. I just wanted to be tucked in (yes I’m a baby lol) and feel taken care of. As soon as I made the call I had this yuck feeling in my stomach like I just made a horrible decision and the knowing that you’re just ripping open the wound and extending your healing process. And of course, the next day was rough, but I managed on my own and was thankful to have that little piece of tenderness from the night before. A kiss on the forehead, a gentle hug, and my meditation music to drown out the footsteps of him leaving yet again.

Now I get that everyone’s situation is different and our reasoning and thought process of what is healthy for us can differ. We just need to accept ourselves for who we are, what we want and need and just know although we are not perfect we are doing the best we can and that is all we can ask of ourselves ❤

And hell, we’ve talked on the phone and had just little silly conversations like friends do and its given me this hope that it all really can work. I have come to the very definite conclusion for a long while now that we just can’t work out in a long term relationship unfortunately and as painful as it is it makes me so happy not to lose such a special person to me. I just need to figure some shit out and navigate the path a bit better lol. And I will figure that all out in time.

But for now, let’s end this post on an upbeat note and now I have a little story from last week that just made me smile and think that it really will be alright, like everything.

So last week was crazy busy. Balancing weddings, working the Makeup show, regular jobs and then the Tuesday where I got to do my first Creative Direction for an editorial. I was so excited about this editorial. To put all my creative spirit and energy into one project, so excited to share with you guys! Vlog coming soon 😉

BUT ANYWAY, my story is about my friends.

So after my editorial, I was pretty close to my friends place so I texted them and asked if they were home. We made plans to go to a bar. I was pretty excited because after being so jazzed about a great work day I was ready to have some fun.

So S and I went to go meet R & M. The bar we went to was in the same area I was always in with X for the last 2 years but I never knew about this new spot we went to.We had a chill bar time. Casual conversation and just chill good times.

Crazy how you can be in the same places over and over but see it with such different eyes when placed in a new situation with new people.

Deep, I know lol

So anyway. we had a good bar time. Casual conversation, pub food and drinks and just chill good times. Left the bar and R went home. So S, M and I see this roof top patio from the parking lot and being little-intrigued monkeys need to go check it out.

At this point the drinks start kicking in, the smiles get bigger, the jokes get funnier, the laughing gets louder, and eventually, the conversation gets deeper and more real.

All is really great, having such a bomb time and then the next round of tequila comes over.

Well for some reason I took it upon myself to do a little cheers and the next words out of my mouth were….

(Well actually it probably made no sense so rephrase to what I meant to say was)

Thank you, because you two make me the happiest to be me.

And simply, all I meant was these two lovely individuals make me feel absolutely amazing about being myself. They see me for all the good I am and I feel not only accepted for who I am but celebrated.

I already love myself and have a high self-esteem etc so as weird as it sounds, in the long run, I need someone who loves me more then I love myself and who celebrates me.

It’s moments like this and experiences in life that make you realize what you want, what you deserve and that you won’t settle for anything less.

It also makes you realize how extremely precious good friends are and how important it is to nurture and cherish all relationships you have in life.

So I know this post has been a little all over the place but today just take away a couple things with you.

  1. It takes time, more time than you realize. So just live day by day. We; ll get there.
  2. You are doing nothing wrong, feel the feels, and do what you gotta do
  3. Be so grateful for the things working in your favour and the many other beautiful relationships you have to treasure.

And with that friends, keep doing what your doing, keep growing, experiencing and making mistakes because one-day you’ll be thankful for everything you have succeeded and failed at.

Till next time,

Meghan xo

One thought on “8. This Isnt Cosmo …

  1. Hi sweetheart. I feel for you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in that situation. I’ve been happily married for 27 years. My advice, please just enjoy your life. (It’s so short) Good luck with everything. I really enjoy your videos. Take care

    Like

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