“I understand I played with fire but I just never in a million years thought you would be the one to burn me….”
Well blog we meet again…. I never really thought that a full year and a bit later we would be back here with this story to tell…
When I first endured my break up now a year and a half ago (gross) I found a lot of healing in writing. I think I wrote everyday for the first entire week of my breakup all my updates of each day and how I was processing it all.
And then a month went by and I wanted to come back and update but quite frankly I felt embarrassed by my lack of progress. Especially when you are someone who people come to for advice or look up to you feel a need to give the right answers or set an example, I really I felt like a total failure. And tbh, I kind of still do.
I remember when I was writing these posts before, how I would imagine me here today sitting and telling you how everything has changed, how I’d become a new and better and stronger person and blah blah blah. While some of it is true, I do have to take some credit for that and the work I’ve done, but most of me feels like a total fraud.
When I left my relationship it was the hardest but most important decision I need to make. And here we are today with me doing…. the EXACT SAME THING….
Let me explain
Breakup : July 30th 2017
Well the first couple months were a full on depression sob fest every freaking minute of my life. It was beyond hard, so many tears, anxiety attacks and so much physical pain in my body at all times. Truly truly horrible.
I coined a couple terms while in this state. Sleep Amnesia and Sandpaper Tears.
Sleep amnesia: The couple seconds when you would wake up and before your brain could process your life situation and trauma you would get a couple seconds of peace to yourself. I lived for those micro seconds.
Sandpaper tears : Tears on broken skin. If I wasn’t crying then I was in the process of trying not to cry. And with that, the constant tugging at your eyes and face the skin becomes so raw that it feels like sandpaper. Like it hurts to cry and it hurst to touch. It was a terrible time.
I remember this one time I was doing the dishes and filling up the sink and I started to break down as one does when letting their mind wander during a mundane task. And as I fell to the floor, I could feel the water pour over from the sink onto the floor and me and I just didn’t care. It was such a movie moment and I had many of these moments for quite some time .
The very first thing I did though to actually help myself and be productive was I channeled all my energy into redecorating and cleaning. Any creative project will do but believe me I crafted, I painted, I rearranged the furniture like 5 million times and I created a beautiful safe space for me in my newly decorated bedroom. ( I have since redecorated like 5 times since and am now even in a whole new room but you get the point ).
Then Halloween came around and I remember I went to a Halloween Party with my friends and then back home to my parents for the weekend as I had a wedding back their way. Basically I had a really good weekend and it was the first time I felt okay. Like I had fun, I danced, I was my self again. And I felt some positivity coming my way.
This is when I got Mella. It’s a really beautiful story how she came to be so if you’d like to hear my thoughts and our lovely universally guided coming together you can click here.
After I got Mella, was a whole new set of challenges to focus on. I wanted to raise and train her the very best I could. I should add that through all of this I still cried a ton and was always thinking of my breakup but I also acquired the mentality of being strong for her and raising her in a good environment. That pressure was good for me to channel my sadness into. We went on a ton of walks, learned tricks and this also forced my to regulate my schedule and establish routine.
Routine is a word I used to loathe. I was always that free spirit child who didnt want to be condemned to a box or a routine or anything of structure. And now, I crave it. Routine gave me the sense of security I was missing. It slowed me down from always rushing from one thing to another. And it was great.
I started going to bed and waking up at the same time and established the habit of my morning coffee and sitting in the sun. I started trying short morning meditations though youtube, I finally joined the gym that had had opened in the summer, I started meal prepping, signed up for a tarot course but the point is I really tried to establish better and healthier habits in my life.
I remember the whole time this was going on I kept saying ” I wish healthy and happy were synonymous.” I was doing really good things for myself but I was still so terribly depressed and anxious, just fighting through each day.
So then we get to the Christmas season. I was building those habits, following through and this was the time I gave myself a challenge. For the absolute longest time I hated Christmas. I’m not even going to say dislike…. no I hated it. Long story short the financial burden and the memories I have of Christmas are not something I like to remember.
But this year I wanted to make it different. I was just too dam upset and depressed to go into my least favourite season where as patterns would show I would always end up getting depressed anyway. So I decided Christmas would be different this year. I wanted to force myself to like Christmas. And omg, did I ever! I had never really seen Christmas movies and last year I actually watched like every movie I could find on Netflix or I could stream. I decorated my apartment in all things pretty and sparkly and I spent all of December curled up with Mella, watching movies, cleaning my apartment and listening to Micheal Buble Christmas album on REPEAT! It was actually a really great time when I wasn’t having my episodes. The crying never stops for me.
So now onto the New Year. I went out for New Years and it was a good time but the concept of starting a New Year without the person you love was not an easy pill to swallow. I really sunk back into a strong depression and well this is when I went to Youtube to talk to you guys about how I really was feeling and dealing. This video:
This was so healing for me to do. Just sit and discuss all my feelings and thoughts and just vent. I do plan on doing another video like that in the next week or two with all my updates as you guys seemed to find that video very healing for you as well and we were able to open up a great dialogue.
At this point you also learned that I still had been seeing my Ex from time to time. I spoke about how he had been a friend to me though all of this and its true he really had. But he was also the cancer and the cure. I would see him because I was upset about him and it was a vicious cycle.
Do I recommend keeping in contact with your ex, absolutely not but it was a part of my journey and thats what I want to share.
So February was the most regulated I had ever been. Meal prepping, going to the gym, etc. I still wasn’t happy but I felt like my sense of purpose had been reestablished. I also filmed a ton for youtube at this time and that was probably my greatest “distraction” or “vice.” I used Valentines Day as a challenge and took my self out on a date and vlogged that whole thing which was an interesting but good experience.
March came along and this is where things got bad…
I went down to LA for a beauty conference thing and had a great time. My Ex was looking after my dog as he did when I was on set or having to travel etc.
So back story here… he is and I still stand by this… He is the best person to look after her. He loves her, she loves him ( I always joke saying I gave him his next girlfriend) and he is the ultimate dog person. Has four dogs in his household so basically I know she is in the best care.
So anyway I remember him coming to pick her up and I think also because I was in such a state of anxiousness for my trip ahead that I was feeling very emotional and attached. It was hard when they both left and I had to reset my mind for my trip. I did and when I came back I was really sensing the need for home and security. And well lets be real, being in a relationship that person becomes your home and security.
This was the first of the “emotional benders” lets call them. Although my ex and I had spent time together since the break up and occasionally did end up sleeping together this was us actually falling into a pattern. We were back to talking everyday, hanging out once up to 3 times a week and my critical mind knew this was such a bad idea, but my emotional mind loved it. Like craved his love like an addict.
It was like as soon as he stepped in the door, we could just live out this fantasy of being together. It was such a high and rush but of course as soon he left it was the most intense crash and with-drawl. So much pain was back and it filled every ounce of my being. I became weaker needing a stronger fix more often, and he was always there when I called and I was always there when he called.
So that continued for basically way too long. There were times where we didn’t talk for a week, at one point it was 2 weeks. I was still continuing on working on myself, doing all those good habits but I was getting no where because I kept getting pulled back into this pattern preventing any movement forward.
He called it friends, but I knew we were both living out this fantasy and one day it would have to end and that knowing killed me and was always in the back of my mind when we spent any time together which in term created more anxiety.
I also knew throughout the summer that we were coming up to the one year mark of our breakup. The thought that in one year we were still so attached completely freaked me out. The conflict of the critical and emotional mind was well at large.
At the beginning of July my mom had challenged me to go on one date just to see that maybe it wasn’t the worse thing ever. I struggled with that idea as I knew my heart was so protected and clearly belonged to someone else and that didn’t seem like a fair notion or something I was comfortable with.
I am for real, the most monogamous person, remember this for the rest of the story.
But after a little convincing I went. Well first I went on that bumble app and took a few days just to finally swipe someone. But we talked for a couple days and then he asked to meet up.
We went to a really cute restaurant for dinner and believe it or not stayed for over 6 hours. Crazy right! It was a great date full of insightful conversation and educated thoughts. I really enjoyed this meeting of the minds I’ll call it but there wasn’t any romantic attraction. And thats fine, I was planning on having a god awful online dating experience like everyone else and then run away from it all. But this guys turned out to be fantastic and well everything I wanted on paper.
But as soon as I got home this overwhelming guilt came over me. How could I do that to my ex, this is like cheating… blah blah blah. I really struggled with the guilt and decided I needed to tell him immediately…. even though this was as romantic as me meeting my dad for coffee and having a good life chat lol.
But I did. He came over, I broke down as the pattern goes, and I told him. I could tell he was hurt but he assured me it was okay and I didn’t do anything wrong, after all we aren’t dating and it wasn’t a serious date.
Things were a little more distant for a while. We still talked, and I did still see him occasionally, but I also was in prime wedding season and super busy all the time. I also started leaning into my friends a lot more at this point. I was going to a lot of events, parties and socializing a lot more. Emotionally exhausted and upset… but busy.
The rest of the summer felt pretty good. I was also seeing my trainer like 3 times a week so definitely that took up my time and is probably the best thing to happen for my mental health. Shout out @dynastydayne lol.
At this time I also switched rooms. It seems like when I feel things out of control, I tend to change things up. But I brought my bedroom to the front room where my filming equipment is and created a studio/ bedroom space. The best decision. I have continued to redecorate and I love the space its turning into.
But anyway the rest of the summer was good, things were laying low a bit more and I was also starting to have some really exciting career success that obviously gave me a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction. It had been a while since we had talked and I really started to thrive. I even have a vlog at the very beginning of September addressing how I could really feel some fundamental changes and shifts in energy. I was really excited that I was finally moving forward even just a bit. But I also do realize that I had put a lot of comfort in knowing that even if I was working at moving forward he was still there. That sadness lingered but I could acknowledge it without giving in to it.
So now I’m doing my thing, crying has cut down to not every second of my day and I’m okay. I’m doing okay. We are passed the one year mark, I hate that but I’ll live and I’m trying to focus on redirecting that energy back into myself.
It had been a while since really any communication but one day I saw he responded to my instagram story calling Mella cute or something. I didn’t respond because it didn’t warrant a response. So the next day I go down to an event that day , all dressed up, feeling good etc. I’m having a great time at the event and I look at my phone, another DM from him saying its rude to not respond and blah blah blah. And I simply said, sorry not trying to be rude, just the message didn’t warrant a response. So then he knows Im going back to Nova Scotia so asks if he can take her and then flirtatiously tells me I look so good and to stop doing that to him etc.
It’s like whenever you are actually not thinking about them for just a split second this kind of bullshit happens and I just could feel myself being dragged back like a magnet. I know its stupid but that kind of attention or acknowledgment although ego based feels good. So we fell back into it and with that he took Mella while I was in Nova Scotia. And then of course when I got back we fell right back in the same pattern.
I think of myself as very vulnerable to the world. I want that feeling of safety and security. He gives that to me and so it seems whenever my routine is getting messed up , I’m travelling or what ever the case is he’s there. Cancer and the cure.
So yeah October up until now has been a dreadful pattern of falling back into that false relationship fantasy. In the last month we had seen each other more then ever before, throwing the whole play book out the window and giving in to all temptation.
When I wasn’t fixated on knowing how much I backtracked and the anxiety that gave me being together was a short term pleasure that felt good. It was like our relationship was stronger then before but as always I also knew it wasn’t going to last. Theres reasons we broke up and reasons I still stand behind…. and this whole section of time was just the ultimate mind fuck.
Since the beginning of this breakup I have talked the talk but I’ve never walked the walk.
So now this is the actual hard part…. Like really hard. Like I am crying as I write this…..what else is knew…
So I went away 2 weeks ago to Muskoka for a job. My ex watched my dog and that was …
(AHHHHH its been a couple hours. I needed a break, shits getting too real… I don’t wanna relive this but I know I have to acknowledge it happened ….so lets continue. )
So yes, my ex watching my dog, me working in Muskoka for the weekend. I came home late Monday night and needed him to keep her a few more days. Because with timing I had to go back to my parents house the next day as I had to go do a career day appearance job thing etc at a high school. So anyway that night again, I came home from some sort of travel and needed my security. Such a pattern here…. I had him come over so I could have a visit with him and Mella. And when I say visit all my visits involve, me crying, having a panic attack and him being the comfort. Like I said, cancer and the cure. So anyway he leaves the next morning with Mella. I head home and do my thing.
Now I come back to the city and am trying to meet up with him to get Mella. There is a huge snow storm and basically we cant get together as we don’t want her being cold on a walk and he doesn’t have his vehicle atm. Thats all fine but I just wanna figure this out.
So I call. It was video call, we always do video btw.
Anyway he looks like he’s getting ready to go out. And trust me when I say this, he doesn’t go out. Like even times in the last couple months he’s wanted to go out with me and see a movie or like whatever it has never followed through and we end up just staying in. So I’m surprised to see this. I make a joke like oh where are you going all dressed up , kinda thing. Usually he would say oh just meeting up with _____ or whatever. This time he’s more quiet and cryptic. I can feel it but try to not let me curiosity consume me. His basic response is that he just wants to have fun on his night off of work. I was like okay, something is totally off and he would always ask me anyway but lets just focus on Mella. So he says he’ll bring her by in the morning. And off he went.
I could feel my anxiety creeping in, and I knew something bad was coming. I tried to distract myself that night and not think about it but of course I was dying inside. I made a plan that in the morning I would go to my yoga class, get groceries and refocus my energy.
After all it was him, it was probably nothing.
So I get back from yoga and the grocery store and decided I would make tacos. That would be a fun thing to do. So I start preparing the tacos and realize my dumb ass only bought the taco shells not the mix.
I call my ex (who’s already said he’s dropping Mella off shortly) and playfully make a deal with him that if he can stop in at the grocery store and bring a taco mix he can come in for tacos.
Can’t believe all this happened over a dam taco mix….
So, he comes over, brings Mella and I make us tacos. I can feel an eery tension and more anxiety starting to creep in. We’re sitting eating tacos and I’ve been dropping breadcrumbs giving him space to tell me things the whole time…. and nothing. Usually he’s really good at shutting down any of my concerns when he knows my mind is wandering off but this time he just isn’t. I know somethings up and walk out of the room calmly. I’m trying to keep calm because I knew this day would come eventually but it is still a lot and I end up crying in my bedroom trying to keep it together.
He comes and finds me a few minutes later and is consoling me. Again he never said anything but my intuition is strong and I knew. So I basically turn to him and say that this is incredibly hard not but at the end of the day I do care for his happiness and totally understands him wanting a fresh start… and how emotionally exhausting all this year has been for both of us. At this point, I’m still expecting him to say something or ease my mind but instead he just gives me a hug, says he knows this is hard on me, it isn’t easy for him either and leaves.
I then call my mom and completely break down. She had known we were still spending time together but I don’t think she realized to what extent and I definitely was sharing less and less the last few months because I wasn’t proud of what I was doing but I was really struggling as well. So we talk and in the mean time I send an SOS message to my friends letting them know that my ex is seeing someone and currently feel like dying.
My mom consoles my hyperventilating and then I message him saying that this is killing me and we need a social media break and just basically saying bye.
He proceeds to tell me jokingly that he doesn’t have a girlfriend and i’m not a side chick and to not over react…..and somehow thinks that will make me feel better…
I respond saying I will never be. Thats not at all my thing and that regardless of me being super sad he’s trying something new and I cant fault him for that. But I still wanted him to put my mind at ease so I ask for some basic information.
He then proceeds to tell me he’s gone on dates with different random girls.
Me the most monogamous person ever hearing that …. Thinking he met someone and has been spending time with them for a short amount of time to hearing that…. multiple wasn’t on my radar at all.
He said that since my ‘date” back in July he was adamant about doing the same and trying to be less dependant on me.
So now I hear he’s been going on a bunch of dates since July which was almost 5 months ago.
So he calls himself the king of first dates and that they were no big deal, just bumble online bs. And that he’s loyal to me and I have nothing to worry about blah blah blah.
I asked him if he kissed anyone, or slept with anyone and really I did it more as a formality never thinking he would. And as expected he said no to both.
So I’m upset he wasn’t upfront about it but I cant entirely fault him either as meeting someone for coffee isn’t really breaking news.
So that night I went to work, met up with my friends for a drink, and then Isaac came over and forced me out to a drag show to get my mind off things and cheer me up. It worked and I had a really fun night and pretty much forgot about it all.
Isaac stayed over and we spent the next day together which was great. Walked Mella, got coffee, binged netlfix, ordered sushi and just had the chillest Saturday ever. It was awesome but as he was getting ready to head out I could feel my anxiety coming on again, suffocating me from the inside out. Isaac took off and I needed to calm down.
I message my ex and he asks how my day is, says it looked like I had a fun night blah blah blah. I said yes it was, I’m just really emotionally exhausted from all this and he then blames himself for that and says he brings it out of me etc etc. I proceed to say like yes I agree but I also let my mind wander and that comes from not knowing the facts.
And then back to being cryptic he starts saying its better I don’t know, what I don’t know cant hurt me…. etc
And then I flip… somethings off, he’s been so cryptic and I feel like I’ve been gaslighted through this whole situation. So I call.
I’m pretty relentless when I want something so lets just say…. I got my answers.
It turns out he had been serial casual dating for the last 4 months. Sleeping around and everything. He told me he knew it was shady and wrong, knew it would destroy me and he would loose me if he was upfront so he lied to keep me close for as long as he could. He said he turned into one of those guys he hates. He became a fuck boy. That this swiping became addictive. And that he was manipulating the situation and that he’s a bad man etc etc etc.
When I tell you I was NEVER expecting that….. I really was NEVER NEVER NEVER expecting that. This killed me.
You may not call it cheating but it is absolutely betrayal. We had discussed parameters for how we would go about seeing other people if we so chose a long time ago but he full on lied to me multiple times which is something I didn’t think he would do ever. Nor would I ever think he would be having multiple partners physically or emotionally while still involved with me.
Our relationship was always had trust and for him to do something he fully know would hurt me, then lie to me about it over and over…. is a lot. To be honest I still haven’t processed it fully as it so hard for me to understand. And theres a huge part of me that empathizes with his desperation and hurt. I know he loves me, and is hurt that we cant be together, I know he feels like no one loves him and I was his source of nurture but as much as I could give reasoning to everything he’s done, I need to for just once honour my own feelings.
I fully understand we weren’t “together” so I cant fault him entirely. I can be upset at the fact of him wanting to see other people but I cant be mad at him. However I can entirely be upset WITH and At him for his choices and the way he went about it lying and being deceitful and not having the respect for me to end things before starting something new. Also when you are sleeping with someone you owe that person transparency as a sign of respect but also 100% as a health issue. I would have never (and he knows this) been cool with any form of non exclusivity. Thats just me.
I understand I played with fire but I just never in a million years thought he would be the one to burn me….
So now where are we?
I’m done. The cord has been officially cut. I went home to my parents house, my safe place and I’ve been going through it all. Kinda feels like deja vu because I have gone through it before but this time its real not just going through the motions. I’ve cut off all forms of contact, unfriended, unfollowed and just basically removed him from my life.
I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t completely terrified but I also know how much I grew and changed as a person this year. I did so much work on myself and trying to change my life. I will give myself that credit and that was while being anchored down. Now the anchor is gone and I can swim freely straight to the top. I am really trying to be as positive as I can here because as catastrophic as this ending was, I almost want to say thank you.
So here goes…
Thank you for hurting me so heinously that I am forced to tend to my own wounds.
Thank you for putting so much weight on me I found my own strength.
But most of all thank you, for removing the anchor that weighed me down for years and letting me go.
I am so scared for this next chapter, entirely fearful because I have felt this pain before. And I’ve barely gotten out alive. I have a-lot of work to do on myself. I spent a lot of time this year changing my habits and my outward environment and this time around I really need to focus on changing my inside. My beliefs, my self worth and learning to love myself. But like all the women in my family and the women I know have shown me, we are strong and we are resilient. Take whatever life throws your way, grow from it, realize your worth and keeping moving on.
See you next year.